


Bad Ass. Smart Ass. Great Ass.

by Pineau_noir



Category: Captain America (Comics), Captain America (Movies), Deadpool (Comics), Deadpool (Movieverse)
Genre: 5+1 Things, Bottom Bucky Barnes, Bottom Bucky Fest 2019, Domestic Fluff, Fluff, M/M, Silly, Top Steve Rogers, Wade Wilson is a Good Bro
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-03-16
Updated: 2019-03-16
Packaged: 2019-11-19 10:02:47
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,843
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18134312
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Pineau_noir/pseuds/Pineau_noir
Summary: Five times Steve overheard Wade and Bucky and one time Wade overheard Steve and Bucky.Based on Blu Skadoo's prompt:Winter Soldier + Deadpool broship. Deadpool kinda hanging around Bucky & Steve (and Sam and Tash) during his recovery, sharing some gory stories. Being hilarious.





	Bad Ass. Smart Ass. Great Ass.

**One**

Wakanda was nice. Steve let out a sigh. Wakanda was _more_ than nice; it was spectacular. T’Challa was a gracious host. The food was unlike any Steve had ever tasted, the palace a luxury he couldn’t have even imagined, the country itself was breathtaking. But none of the luxury, the beauty, could let Steve overcome the punch to the gut at seeing how small Bucky looked in his hospital bed. He had started to lose a lot of the excess muscle mass he had put on when he lived alone in Romania. Add into it the loss of his arm, and he seemed to be wasting away in front of Steve’s very eyes. He had only been awake a day so he knew he shouldn't be too worried but it was easier to give that advice than to actually take it.

He was navel-gazing outside Bucky’s room when he heard a voice he didn’t recognize. Instantly he was on high alert, eyes scanning the hall, looking for signs of a struggle. Then Bucky laughed and Steve stood stock still. He let out the breath he didn’t realize he had been holding in a shaky rush. He scrubbed his eyes with the heel of his hand, surprised when he felt a little tinge of moisture. An internal debate started about whether or not to interrupt the conversation when suddenly the stranger’s voice rang out. 

“So I go out,” the mystery voice continued, “and fucking UPS had run over my brand new sheath _for a THIRD FUCKING TIME”_ , he finished on a roar. “That’s the last time I order supplies from Amazon, I’ll tell you what. After that I just started making my own, because ain’t nobody got time for pancake weaponry.” The conversation paused for a moment. 

Then Bucky’s voice rang out. “I can hear you thinking out there, Stevie. Come on in.”

Steve squared his shoulders and walked in to see Bucky sitting up in this bed, smiling and Wade Wilson, in full Deadpool gear, sitting in _Steve’s_ seat.

Wade’s mask was pulled up to his nose so Steve was able to see his jaw literally drop. “Whoa…” he whispered. “You’re Captain Fucking America.”

Bucky, the asshole, winked at Steve. “In the flesh.” At Steve’s confused look he added “Wade is here to visit. Catch up a little. He knows a little bit about memory loss and—”

“Torture!” Wade chimed in. With jazz hands. “Plus I know how much being on the run sucks. Fury thought it might help?”

Steve tilted his head. “OK, well if you’re fine with it, Buck, I’ll leave you both alone. Let me know when you’re hungry and I’ll grab you something?” He wasn’t sure if they minded him butting in, even for food but Bucky just gave him a sappy look and Wade nodded enthusiastically. “OK, bye, I guess?” he half asked with raised eyebrows.

“Rogers, I’m good. _This_ is good. Go be earnest somewhere else and then come eat lunch with us,” Bucky said in a fond tone.

Steve nodded again and left, happy that Bucky seemed to be in good spirits. He smiled a little and went to find Natasha to see if she wanted to spar.

**Two**

Bucky seemed happier the next day. Steve was still a little dubious about the actual “help” Wade would provide, but if he made Bucky smile, made him _laugh_ , Steve wouldn’t say a word against the mercenary. He came into Bucky’s room during another interesting conversation.

“So you know how murder and mayhem are absolute hell on your cuticles?” Wade stared at Bucky. Steve felt his breathing go a little shallow. It was one thing for Wade to trade “war stories” with Bucky but it was another to actively call him out on years of brainwashing and torture. To his relief ( _was he relieved though?_ ) Bucky only barked out a small laugh. 

“Yeah, all that hand washing,” he agreed as he shot a look at Steve, trying to tell him to calm down. And breathe normally, Steve would admit to himself. 

Wade shot finger guns at them both. “Leather gloves. Best decision I made in a while.” Bucky let out another snort. Steve still wasn’t sure how this was helpful but this was the most Bucky had smiled in a while. He sent Bucky what he assumed was a bemused grin and Bucky just winked back at him. 

“So anyway,” Wade drew their attention back to him. “I took a job in a nail salon, before the whole mutation into actual cannibal Shia LaBeouf. Those paper mache masks are creepy as fuck. Apparently, they were laundering money for known sex traffickers. But they did the _best_ pedicure! And nobody cared about the amount of blood I usually had splattered on me! I felt like I was living in the lap of luxury. They took such care of me.” 

Steve leaned forward, unsure how the story would end. Bucky saved him the trouble of asking. 

“So what happened?” 

Wade sighed and looked at his hands as if mourning the loss of good nail care. “I mean I had to un-alive them of course. They had to have known. I did save them for last so at least I got three weeks of pampering out of it.” 

Bucky started to giggle. Steve felt simultaneously horrified and amused. “Did…” he started. “Um, you shouldn’t really kill people, Wade,” he said with raised eyebrows. 

“Cap, did you miss the part when I clearly said I ‘un-alived’ them? That’s totally different!” Wade squeaked out. 

Steve saw Bucky roll his eyes. “Stevie. Not the time,” Bucky rebuked Steve gently. “Go get us something warm to drink?” 

Nodding, Steve set off to find something the three of them could sip on while Wade visited. Not for the first time, Steve wondered why Fury had sent Wade to Bucky’s side. But he shook it off and hoped he could find the loose leaf tea Shuri liked so much. It seemed to be Bucky’s favorite as well. 

**Three**

Steve had a nightmare that night and got up to see if maybe Bucky was awake and wanted to talk. The dream featured all of Steve’s _favorites_ : Bucky falling off the train in the Alps, Bucky fighting him on the helicarrier, Bucky being mad that Steve left him in Hydra’s hands for so long, Steve hurting Bucky before he knew who was..... Both things that had actually happened, combined with his greatest fears. Steve felt like he was trying to walk underwater. He stopped, mid-stride when he heard familiar voices from Bucky’s room. 

“So I got to the next dude in line,” Wade’s voice carried through the empty hallway. “He moonlighted as security for a hockey rink. A team that definitely doesn’t rhyme with _Rangers_ ”— Bucky barked out a laugh. “But he was on skates and I was just sliding around, falling on my ass. And leather does not feel great on ice, let me just tell you. So I shot out his knees and he started sliding down the ice. I was tired of chasing people, trying to find _fucking Francis_ was a pain. So I looked for something I could use to finish him off.” 

“Tell me you didn’t,” Bucky gasped out. 

“I see you’re up to date on hockey. And I did! I ran him over with a Zamboni. It only added half an hour to the hit. Wasn’t the worst half hour ever spent. Those Zamboni’s are pretty cool!” 

Steve could picture Bucky’s face, wry grin, when he said “Wade. You’re a menace.” 

Wade tittered. “Don’t tell Captain Tight-Pants, eh?” 

“I’ve got bad news.” 

The sound of Wade groaning brought a smile to Steve’s face. “He’s out in the hall, isn’t he?” 

Steve let himself in. “Sorry, Wade. I heard the end of it all.” 

Wade rested his face in his hands. “Fine, OK, I’m out. Don’t get any fluids on my chair,” Wade said with a rude gesture as he walked out the door. 

Bucky just smiled at Steve. “He’s weird but he doesn’t treat me like I’m going to break down any minute.” Steve felt his brows furrow as he started to frown. Bucky cut him off. “Don’t go all sad golden retriever on me, Rogers. I need it from some people. It’s just nice to have somebody who has been through worse and can joke about it all, ya know?” 

Steve nodded. He didn’t really understand their friendship but he would be the first to admit that the times after Wade’s visits, Bucky seemed to be in a really good mood. Better than when Natasha or T’Challa visited. And _definitely_ better than when Sam visited. He sat down in the chair that he apparently now had to share. Bucky smiled at him. 

“Come snuggle up with me, Stevie. There’s room enough for us both if we scrunch up. And I’m assuming things aren’t great for you if you’re wandering the halls in the middle of the night.” Bucky moved to the far edge of the hospital bed and patted the empty side. 

“If you’re sure?” Steve asked, hesitantly. 

“Get over here and spoon me, you ass.” 

**Four**

After waking up from a more comfortable than anticipated sleep in a hospital bed, Steve got a text from Sam asking about their morning run. 

“Mmmm, this ’s nice, Steve,” Bucky murmured as he snuggled into Steve’s arms. Steve kissed the top of his head in response. 

“Sam wants to go run. Do you want me to stay here?” 

Bucky rolled over and gave Steve a proper kiss, morning breath be damned. “No, go out with your bird bro. I think Wade is gonna come visit after PT.” 

—— 

After a fun run through the city, breakfast, and a hot shower, Steve returned to Bucky’s room. He felt an involuntary smile cross his face as he recognized Wade’s voice. While he didn’t necessarily agree with Wade’s actions as a mercenary, it seemed (Steve would admit) that his presence cheered Bucky up. And from their brief conversation the night before, Steve knew Bucky and Wade had more serious conversations as well. This conversation was once again in the more ridiculous category. 

“So never in my life have I heard of a taco-eating competition but I was personally invited as the star guest. But you know how the crazy metabolism is, right?” There was a pause and Steve imagined Bucky nodding. “So, I go because tons of free food, hell yes. I choked down like seventeen of those bastards, only to feel faint and pass out.” 

Bucky’s voice rang out. “Steve, I can hear you. Come in, we’re in the not-as-traumatizing portion of the day.” Wade laughed at that. 

“Yeah, Cap. Get that fine ass and ridiculous shoulder-to-waist ratio in here. Your bae needs some cuddling.” 

Steve stepped in the room, where Bucky had moved out of the hospital bed and into an actual chair. He had some healthy color to his cheeks and Steve returned his dopey grin. 

“Hey, Buck.” 

“Stevie,” Bucky murmured. 

“Do I need to leave? Are y’all gonna start fucking?” Wade asked. “On second thought, can I stay for that?” 

Steve rolled his eyes and Bucky shook his head. “No dude. We’re sharing, but I’m not gonna share _that_ with you,” Bucky answered. “But continue your story.” 

“So I wake up in the morgue, like you do—” Bucky nodded and smiled at that. “And I look at the report from when I come in and those douchebags poisoned me! And I don’t EVEN LIKE TACOS!” 

Bucky smirked and Steve felt a huff of a laugh leave his chest. 

“The moral of the story kids, is never trust free food when mobsters are offering,” Wade finished. 

Bucky smacked his forehead with his hand. “Wade. Really?!?” And even Steve couldn't hold in his laugh. 

**Five**

“Did anybody tell you about the time I accidentally got married?” Wade asked as Steve stood in the hall, vibrating with the good news that Bucky was about to be released from the infirmary. 

“Cap, are you out there? Because somehow you seem to have a radar for interrupting us. Not that it's a problem, it just seems really random that you always come in during our time together. It's like a poorly planned fanfic by a moderately talented author rushing to get everything finished by her posting deadline.” 

Steve raised an eyebrow and shook his head before letting himself in. “Honestly Wade, I'm not exactly sure what that means. I just like visiting Bucky.” 

Bucky smiled at him and Steve felt his cheeks heat as he returned the smile. Wade rolled his eyes (somehow it was apparent _through_ the mask?) and sighed. “Yes, yes you're in love,” he said, exasperation apparent in his tone. “Can we get back to me and my accidental alien wife? I've only got the one story left and then I'm outie. My skills are needed elsewhere.” 

Bucky gave the merc a fond look. “You're gonna visit again, right?” 

Steve wasn't sure which answer he preferred. On one hand, Wade _had_ been a big help with Bucky's morale. Having the shared experience of being tortured and your memory wiped was something Steve couldn't help with. However, Wade was odd and Steve worried he was a little too bloodthirsty. 

Wade nodded enthusiastically and Steve vowed to not let his quirks overshadow how the other man had helped Bucky. “Yeah, I'm always here for a good time!” He thrust his hips and Steve rolled his eyes. “Can we awkwardly segue back into the story? I have about 10 minutes and then I think Cap has some news.” 

Bucky gestured for him to continue his story. “So Orksa was about 12 ft tall, yellow, four eyes, pincers, just everything you could ever want in a woman, yeah?” 

Steve could see Bucky bite back a smile. “Sure,” he said. “Sounds just like Steve before the serum.” 

Wade whirled around. “Really?” he started. “Awesome! But anyway I took out some guy named 'Macho’, can you imagine having that name? I would only ever dress in pink if I was named that. So I took him out and accidentally proposed—” 

“How do you accidentally—” Bucky started. 

“She was coming after me like a wild rhino so I didn't think and just laid a big kiss on her.” 

Steve pinched the bridge of his nose and leaned into the wall he was standing against. He wasn't sure if any of the stories Wade told were rooted in fact, but Wade and Bucky seemed to enjoy their time together. 

“So anyway,” Wade continued. “We kissed and then got married and I took over the family business. Only to realize she had someone else pining for her. So I did the noble thing, let him kill me so they could get together. As far as I know they're still happily married.” 

Steve's jaw dropped a little. “You—” he huffed out. “You let him _kill_ you?” 

“Well sure!” Wade had a big smile. “Easiest way to get space divorced. Those three days we were married were some of the best sex I've ever—” 

“Let me stop you right there,” Bucky interrupted. “No details from either of us. Rule—” 

“Sixty-nine!!” Wade pumped his fist in the air as Bucky rolled his eyes. 

“Rule 26” he corrected. Steve closed his eyes. He didn't want to know the whys of all the rules, much less how no details about the other's sex life was 26th on the list. 

“Smell you later,” Wade said as he waved. Steve shook his head again as he left and went to find the young scientist. 

**Plus one**

Bucky was finally out of his recovery room and back to Steve's suite of rooms when Wade was the intruder. “I was just minding my own business, ya know? And then holy crap! Set the wayback machine, Sherman.” 

Wade was going to tell Bucky and Steve goodbye one last time because he had been called back into duty by Fury. He let himself chortle about “duty” as he opened the door. Then he did a 180° turn and sat down, taking in a couple of deep breatis. 

“Fuck, that's hot,” he whispered to himself. He shivered thinking about seeing the Winter Soldier on his knees being absolutely pounded by Captain America. “That's years of spank bank material.” 

“Did you hear the door?” he could hear Steve gasp. 

“Stevie, don't stop. I don't care what you think you heard. It's been _forever_ since we did this.” 

Wade could feel lil’ Wade perking up so he decided to leave a quick “I came to say bye but you were busy boning” note in crayon and slid it under the door. He cackled as he imagined the look of horror on Cap's face when he realized Wade had gotten an eyeful of their activities. “Worth it,” he whispered as he thought about how pissed Cap would be. Skipping down the hall he set off his teleportation belt so he could find out where exactly Fury wanted him next. 

**Author's Note:**

> Sorry I didn't get the rest of the gang in the fic, Blu! And I _tried_ to be funny. Anyway it was a blast to write and I hope you like it!
> 
> Thanks go out to the mods for the BBF, my cheerleaders and partners in crime, Sable, Coldwinterrose, and [Mortenavida](https://archiveofourown.org/users/mortenavida/pseuds/mortenavida) who also beta read this.


End file.
